Intention vs. Impact - The Root of Miscommunication
What is the difference between intention and impact?
Intention is why a person, or people, or entity, do what they do - make the choices they make, say the things they say.
Impact is the interpretation of others, and more often than not, involves assigning intent to the why the person did/said what they did.
Intention vs Impact
Whose job is it to make intention clear? The reality is it is both the communicator and the listeners job to take responsibility for getting clear about intention. Clarity is a choice. So is confusion.
It is the communicators job to realize that people will likely assign intention to their words/actions, and whenever possible, provide communication about the why to those affected to prevent inaccurate meaning making. However, it is the job of the listener who is impacted to realize their own mind's propensity to fill in gaps in data with assumptions…and that those assumptions are usually to the negative.
Why are the assumptions to the negative?
Because our brains are trying to protect us and take care of us. Our brains try to help us by creating habits out of things that we often do…whether we mean them to become a habit or not. Our mind is simply trying to save us time and effort, and assuming things is another way to save time and effort.
Similarly, our mind tries to protect us, to self-preserve, at every turn, by warning us where nefarious intentions might lie. When there is a pattern, the brain creates a habit. Where there is a gap in information, the brain creates usually negative intention assumptions.
So what do we do?!
Again - Clarity is a choice. So is confusion.
When we are the ones acting, speaking, and deciding things, we can create clarity by attempting to speak to our intention, insomuch as we can do so without violating trust, privacy, and culture. When we are the ones impacted, we can seek the clarity we need to move forward. AND, we can take steps to avoid confusion. Since we know that our brains usually meaning make to the negative, we can be cognizant of that fact, and follow these steps to help us balance our mind's natural lean to the negative.
Use the steps in the next section to talk yourself out of meaning making, and back into the reality that people make choices, and say things, with good intentions…and to acknowledge in a real way that we know our mind's are prone to meaning making.
Use your mind to increase your understanding of people and enjoyment of life…don't let your mind use you by accident!
When feeling upset/confused about someone else’s intent, before you talk to them, do this internal work:
What am I feeling?
Narrow it down to specific emotion/s
Why am I feeling (insert emotion/s)?
What things (words/deeds/decisions) have caused me to feel this way?
Get specific.
Why might each of these words/deeds/decisions have been uttered/made?
Assume positive intent, as best you can, from the lens of the person/people/entity who said/did the things.
If I were the one who said/did that, what could have possibly made me do/say that?
Again, assume positive intent, but this time - from YOUR perspective, rather than guessing at the motives of others, ascribe a motive for yourself - what would cause you to do/say that thing?
What do I need to know in order to gain enough clarity to move forward?
If I cannot know that which I need to know, how can I move forward despite the gaps in knowledge?
This isn't a miracle pill. Working through an intention/impact miss is not easy.
The best way to work through an intention/impact misunderstanding is for the party who is assuming intent (the party who was impacted and is struggling with assigning positive intent), to directly speak with the party who knows the intent (the party who said/did the thing/s).
Before the upset party approaches this meeting to gain clarity, he/she/they should take the time to work through the above questions, and try to come up with some reasonable explanations for positive intent. This way, we are more ready to hear the intention of the responsible party with open ears, rather than defensiveness and anger.
When all else fails take a breather and give the situation a little space and remember…we have had times we have been misunderstood…is there a chance we might do the misunderstanding sometimes as well? After all…”Let he who is without sin cast the first stone…”